The Akatsuki House Party
by charlottoundria
Summary: Pain devises a brilliant plan: to host the greatest party the ninja world has ever seen. But unbeknownst to him, Orochimaru is plotting against the Akatsuki. Will the world survive such epic revelry and ridiculousness? Short parody fic. Rated T for Hidan's swearing, but nothing vulgar. (The mildest of spoilers about Tobi's identity.)
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: I wrote this when I was fifteen, when I had first sold my soul to Naruto. This was long before Kishimoto had completely ruined my life with that godforsaken ending. Just posting it for shits and giggles. What a time to be alive. Please enjoy and review :)

* * *

Chapter One – The Evil Plan

"Well then, is everyone here?" Pain asked monotonously. A collective bout of grunts resounded around the wooden table, echoing off the stone walls. "Good," he said as he straightened his stack of papers. He clasped his hands together and laid his eyes on the Akatsuki members that sat before him.  
"I have summoned you all here because there is something of great importance that must take place immediately," he said.  
"You mean the Bijuu draining, right?" Kisame asked doubtfully. Pain shook his head.  
"No, the Bijuu draining can wait," he stated, receiving shared gasps from his comrades. What could be so important that their goal, collecting all the tailed-beasts and taking over the world, had been brought to a halt?

"You see," Pain said as he shuffled through his papers, "Kakuzu kindly pointed out to me that we have a fair bit of extra money, courtesy of his bounty-hunting." The mentioned man nodded his head in approval.  
"How much?" Hidan demanded loudly. A vein throbbed impatiently in Pain's forehead; the Jashinist was incredibly annoying. The leader held up the piece of paper on which an extremely large number was crudely scribbled. Jaws popped open and Sasori's almost fell off its hinges.  
"Fifty-gazillion," Pain confirmed. "And with this money, we shall hatch the most diabolical scheme the world has ever known." His rippled eyes surveyed the table, absorbing their eager expressions, save for Tobi, whose expression remained unknown. After a dramatic pause, the leader spoke.

"We will throw the biggest, most expensive house party in the history of existence!" he declared manically, slamming his palms on the table. Cheers erupted all around the table and Hidan's were the loudest. Pain stood up, raising his arms to the ceiling.  
"My comrades," he said imperiously. "Together we shall achieve this goal!" Hidan hooted, raising his fist in the air. Konan shook her head exasperatedly.  
"I'm in charge of the drinks!" Hidan announced, brandishing his scythe through the air like a madman.  
"Watch where you fling that oversized penknife," Kakuzu grumbled, swiftly ducking an almost-decapitation.  
"Tobi will be in charge of the music!" the orange-faced oddity announced.  
"Good," Pain agreed. "You will work in your two-man cells. Hidan and Kakuzu: the drinks and food. Tobi and Zetsu: the entertainment. Deidara and Sasori: the décor." The two sighed in annoyance.  
"As long as I get to display my art, hm," Deidara muttered. Sasori glared at him, but remained silent.  
"Kisame and Itachi," Pain said as he turned to look at the least troublesome pair. "You will be in charge of the guest list. And make sure that Orochimaru doesn't pitch up. That would be incredibly awkward." The two nodded. Pain turned to face Konan.  
"And Konan-"he was cut off by the woman's penetrating glare.  
"Don't expect me to help with this ridiculous party," she said icily. Pain accepted her statement and carried on as if she hadn't said anything.  
"The party will take place on Saturday evening," he said as he stood up. "Now get to work, everyone." The assigned partners got to their feet, scraping their wooden chairs against the stone floor in the process.

* * *

Not too far from the hideout, a pair of golden eyes narrowed suspiciously as they peered through a pair of binoculars that were capable of spying bacteria on Mars.

"So, this is what they're planning?" a hoarse voice muttered. Getting to his feet, he raised a thumb to a pointed tooth and cut the skin. Holding out his left arm, the servant beside him immediately rolled up the tunic sleeve. Once the bloodied thumb had slid over an intricate tattoo, the hand made contact with the ground.  
 _"Kuchiyose no Jutsu!"_

There was a faint poof and a white cloud of smoke. The smoke drifted away to reveal a small, brown snake.  
"Go forth and infiltrate their hidey-hole, my little friend," the man cackled. The snake quickly slithered off in the direction of the den, camouflaged against the bare ground.  
"Orochimaru-sama," Kabuto said uneasily. "Do you think it is wise to spy on Akatsuki?" a narrow pupil relocated to the corner of its eye to glare at the man.  
"Do not question my motives, Kabuto," Orochimaru replied before folding his arms. "Ever since I was kicked out of this pathetic organisation, I've been dying to know what they've been planning in their spare time." He pouted slightly at the memory of being rejected by Itachi. He cast the thought aside and turned around.  
"Let's go. American Horror Story is on in ten minutes and you still have to make dinner," he said gruffly before swiftly leaping to a tree branch. Kabuto hastily followed, not wanting to endure any scolding from a hungry master.

* * *

I definitely ship Pain and Konan.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two – Later that Evening

"What the fuck is this shit?" Hidan yelled, his voice ringing throughout the lair. Kakuzu pinched the bridge of his nose, sighing impatiently.  
"It's the food for the party-"  
"Food? You call this shit food?!" Hidan interrupted angrily. He glared down at the industrial-sized box that lay at his feet, open to reveal neatly packed biscuits and questionable-looking cheese. "Who the fuck serves crackers and cheese at a party?" he asked, much to his partner's annoyance.  
"I'm not going to waste money on expensive food-"  
"Who said anything about expensive? You could have at least bought something edible!"

Kakuzu's eyes narrowed dangerously. He took a step towards the Jashinist.  
"You _will_ eat it, and you _will_ like it," he said darkly. Hidan rolled his eyes.  
"Whatever, everyone will be too drunk on my punch to notice your nasty-ass food," he stated arrogantly as he folded his arms. Kakuzu raised an eyebrow.  
"Punch? What do you mean?" he asked suspiciously. Hidan smirked.  
"My super-secret-fucking-brilliant punch recipe," he explained. "One sip will make even _you_ look attractive." Before Kakuzu could behead Hidan for the third time that day, the door of the dining hall burst open to reveal a flustered-looking Zetsu.  
"What the fuck happened to you?" the Jashinist asked. Despite himself, Kakuzu turned to look at Zetsu. His leaves were tangled in a chaotic mess, leaving a narrow space for his head to poke out. His cloak was ripped, and for some reason it was smoking. He straightened up and groaned tiredly.  
"Deidara wanted to show me his new sculpture," he sighed. Kakuzu rolled his oddly-coloured eyes.  
"That idiot," he muttered. Hidan let out a bark of laughter. But before he could comment, a furious scream ran throughout the hideout.  
" _DEIDARA!_ "  
"That would be Pain-sama," Kakuzu muttered. He released his grip on Hidan's neck and retracted his tentacles. "Zetsu, you should return to Tobi. Pain will deal with Deidara." Zetsu nodded and melted away into the floor.  
"Well, I'm going to start making my punch. It'll need twenty-four hours to set," Hidan said as he stretched his arms.  
"I'm done here," Kakuzu muttered as he turned to leave the dining hall. The Jashinist went in the opposite direction to the kitchen. As he opened the fridge, he grinned evilly to himself.  
"This'll be the best fucking punch ever!" he shouted ecstatically.

* * *

"Kabuto! Where are my slippers?"  
"Under your bed," came the reply.  
"No, they're not! If they were there then I wouldn't have asked you!"

Kabuto sighed and put down his scalpel. He turned away from the surgical table that bore its latest victim – a certain pink-haired moron – and poked his head through the laboratory door.  
"Did you look in the dining room?" he asked.  
"No, and I'm not about to. What kind of a subordinate are you?" Orochimaru grumbled from his over-stuffed sofa in the lounge. "Go and get them! My feet are cold." Kabuto would have refused if he was not in love with Orochimaru. Without hesitation, he scurried from the lab and to the dining room where he spotted the lilac footwear underneath the dining table. He made his way to the lounge, where he was greeted with an insult from Orochimaru for taking his time.

Suddenly there was a faint poof, and a small brown snake appeared amidst lilac clouds on Orochimaru's shoulder. He grinned sexily, Kabuto had to supress a shriek of pure joy, and the snake crept up to its master's ear.  
"Kukuku, tell me what you have learned," he commanded. After the snake had relayed the information, Orochimaru sat up in alarm, nearly sending the small serpent flying into Kabuto.  
"What is it?!" Kabuto cried. The Sannin's eyes widened.  
"It's worse than I thought," he muttered darkly. "There is some kind of plot commencing on Saturday evening, and they are preparing for it in odd ways."  
"What do you mean?"  
"There were explosions from one of the rooms, and that immortal one seemed to be brewing some kind of poison," he explained. "I can't make anything of it."  
"What if they're planning to infiltrate our hideout and poison us?" Kabuto said hysterically, his glasses askew. Orochimaru glared at him.  
"The plot is taking place at _their_ hideout, you idiot," he said icily. "They could be doing some kind of occult ritual; I heard that there is a religious fanatic among their ranks."

Kabuto regained his composure and furrowed his brows.  
"Perhaps…" he trailed off, lost in his own thoughts.  
"Perhaps what?" Orochimaru snapped. Kabuto looked up and met the Sannin's eyes.  
"They could be sacrificing Sasuke-kun to their weird Bijuu-draining statue," Kabuto said darkly. Orochimaru gasped in horror and jumped off his sofa.  
"NO!" he cried. "Sasuke-kun is _mine_! I won't let them take him!" he declared with a raised fist. "Kabuto! On Saturday night we will penetrate their hideout and rescue Sasuke-kun, then we will destroy them all!"  
"I-isn't that a bit much?" Kabuto stuttered nervously.  
"Whose side are you on?" Orochimaru snapped viciously. "This means war! The bastards! They knew that I had claimed Sasuke-kun for myself." Kabuto stared at his master with apprehension and awe.  
"I will start making preparations for Saturday," the assistant said loyally. Orochimaru grimaced.  
"We will surely terminate them," he said darkly before returning to his sofa. He hissed a few words to his snake before ordering it to go back to the Akatsuki hideout. The serpent obeyed, and disappeared in the blink of an eye. Orochimaru grinned to himself.  
"Now I can have Sasuke _and_ Itachi. The Sexiness of the Sharingan will be MINE!" he cried with hands raised to the ceiling.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three – The Morning of the Party

Pain sighed peacefully as he gently grasped the handle of his coffee mug. It was a tranquil Saturday morning. Soft sunlight filtered through the hand-made windows in his office, courtesy of Deidara's bombs. It was the only room with windows in the underground hideout; he was the leader after all.  
A stack of paperwork in his left hand, mug in his right, he carefully raised his legs to rest them on the surface of his neat desk. The mug was a centimetre away from his lips when the office door burst open and flew off of its hinges at an ungodly speed.

Pain jumped, his legs flaying outwards and he fell backwards in his chair and his mug emptied itself all over the floor. His stack of paperwork sailed into the air and rained down upon him like confetti. The orange-haired leader pulled himself up, teeth grinding in fury. He glared at the intruder who stood before him; it was Zetsu. The plant-man looked incredibly flustered.  
"Pain-sama," he spluttered before the leader could _shinra-tensei_ him into next week. "Something's happened!" he cried. Pain narrowed his eyes.  
"What is it? Is it worse than what I am about to do to you?" he grumbled. Zetsu nodded anxiously.  
"We have discovered a spy in the hideout."

Pain stared at him. A spy? In _their_ hideout?  
He immediately overlooked his coffee-lacking rage and grabbed his cloak from the coat hanger on the wall.  
"Lead the way, Zetsu," he commanded as he threw the garment over his pyjamas. Zetsu led him out of the office and to the kitchen, where Hidan, Kakuzu, and Deidara were gathered. When Pain entered the room they turned their attention to him.  
"What happened?" he commanded. The three exchanged nervous glances. Pain sighed impatiently. "Well, spit it out!"  
Hidan thumped Deidara on his back.  
"There was a spy in my room," the blonde spluttered.  
"And? How did he get there? Tell me the full story," the leader demanded.  
"Well, it was early this morning when I had completed my new sculpture, and when I entered my bedroom I noticed that the window was slightly open," he said. "I didn't remember opening it, but I thought that it must have been Tobi; he does weird things like that. Then I went to sleep, hm." He took a long, dramatic pause, and his expression turned dark.  
"This morning, I woke up to find myself cold and not alone," he said menacingly. Pain listened intently. "I turned over in my bed and came eye-to-eye with an imposter, hm!"  
"What?" Pain said in disbelief with a raised eyebrow. "The imposter was in your bed?" he asked slowly. Deidara nodded vigorously, as if it were normal for an enemy spy to suddenly appear in your bed. Pain stared at him in confusion.  
"Uh, er," he said awkwardly. "And you weren't alarmed?" Deidara was the one to don a look of confusion.  
"Why would I be alarmed, hm? He was small for a snake," he said casually. Pain nearly fell over at the statement. The Akatsuki members stared at their leader in bewilderment as his face turned ghostly white.

"A snake?" he murmured in disbelief. "That can only mean one thing." He looked up to meet the worried gawks of his underlings.  
"Orochimaru is trying to foil our plans," he said gravely. "Quick! To the secret meeting room!" he declared hysterically, causing the four to jump. "Summon the other members! This is a serious matter that cannot be ignored!" he shouted as he stalked off and out of the kitchen.  
His fists clenched tensely as he walked down the hallway and entered the designated meeting room. He took his seat at the head of the table, resting his elbows on the table and crossing his hands in front of his face. After a few seconds, the double doors burst open and the Akatsuki members filed into the room. Pain surveyed their looks of confusion and took a deep breath once they were all seated.

"People, there is a dire matter that I need to discuss-er, where the hell are Itachi and Konan?" he yelled irritably, his tolerance wearing thin. The members exchanged glances.  
"Uh," Kisame said unsurely. "I think Itachi is still busy with the guest list, he's already sent out half of the invites," he muttered. He flinched when Pain's rippled eyes turned to glare at him. The shark-man gulped nervously before continuing.  
"Konan said something about, uh, I can't remember her exact words, but-"  
"Spit it out!" Pain snapped.  
"She said that she was busy at the salon," he blurted out in one breath. Pain paused for a moment, and then recollected his composure.  
"Oh, that is to be expected," he said calmly. "Now, I have deduced that Orochimaru has been spying on us since yesterday," he explained, receiving a collective bout of gasps from the gathered members. "I am ordering all of you to search the hideout for his serpent spies, but don't delay preparations for the party either," he said as he stood up. "Now get out and do your jobs. Meeting adjourned!"  
The associates quickly scrambled from their seats, eager to be rid of Pain's tense aura. The orange-haired leader marched back to his office to brood, slamming the door behind him.

* * *

 _Meanwhile, in Orochimaru's hideout…  
_

"Hm, it looks like they've discovered my spies," Orochimaru murmured from his sofa-throne while Kabuto gave him a foot massage. He twirled the snake between his fingers before losing interest and placing it on Kabuto's head. He grinned evilly.  
"Kabuto!" the Sannin shouted, causing the assistant to jump. "Start preparing our disguises for tonight. I can't wait to crash this little ritual of theirs," he cackled.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four – The Party

No more spies had been found, and everyone had returned to their party preparations despite the uneasiness in the atmosphere. It was five-thirty, half an hour before the party, when Konan returned from the salon.

"What took you so long?" Pain grumbled as the woman entered the room that they shared.  
"Well, I have to be in a good mood in order to tolerate this absurd party," she said icily. She took in his appearance and raised an eyebrow. Instead of his usual Akatsuki mesh-shirt, he wore a fitted, black t-shirt with the signature red cloud sewn onto the front. He pulled a bundle out of nowhere and handed it to Konan. She unfolded it to see that it was a tank top version of his shirt. Her eyes narrowed dangerously.  
"There is no way in _hell_ that I am wearing this," she said darkly. Without warning, Pain dropped down to his knees on the floor.  
"Please, Konan!" he begged. She glared at him with distaste. "I have a reputation to keep up with the other villains! And it would look better if we all matched…and, well, yours was cheaper than a t-shirt." He looked up at her and pouted as he shook his hands desperately.  
Still holding the garment, she folded her arms and scowled at him.  
"You have to pay me," she stated. Pain grimaced slightly, but quickly scrambled to his feet.  
"Alright, I'll give you ten percent of this month's earnings-"  
"Twenty-five," she interrupted. "The nail polish I buy isn't cheap, you know." Pain sighed.  
"Fine," he said wearily. But he was glad that she was going to wear the shirt. "I'll see you downstairs," he added before leaving the room. Konan begrudgingly changed into the dreaded tank top, cursing Pain all the while. She hoped that there would not be too many people at his godforsaken party.

When the raucous bass of the music filled the hideout her mood worsened.

* * *

Pain nodded approvingly as he surveyed the large room that was to be used for the party. A DJ table geared with the necessary equipment had been set up on a platform in front of the Bijjuu-draining statue. Flanking the walls of the room were enormous speakers and they were already pumping out music. At the back was the snack table. Pain had done a thorough inspection before he was satisfied that nothing had been poisoned. Hidan's punch was an odd shade of luminescent green, but Pain was reluctant to taste test it and decided to give Hidan benefit of the doubt.

But Pain was most impressed with Deidara and Sasori. After only one accidental explosion from the other day, thousands of tiny clay stars had been hung from the ceiling. Sasori had contributed strobe light and gobo light puppets to the dance floor. Pain was quite sure that the décor would not attack the guests, so he left to address his subordinates.  
"Tonight we will party harder than ever before!" he announced. "Go forth and be good hosts!"  
They obediently followed Pain and Konan to the party room, while Kisame journeyed to the door with his guest list to act as the bouncer.

Soon enough, the party was in full swing and Pain was surveying it with a smug grin. Villains and allies had turned up from all over the world and the hideout was packed. The alcohol was flowing and the music was pumping so loudly that the bass reverberated throughout Pain's piercings. Tobi had turned out to be a surprisingly capable DJ.

Pain was enjoying one of several martinis in the entrance hall– he was steering clear of the punch and Kakuzu had stepped in as a bartender – when the electronic music suddenly stopped. An awful noise declared itself in the atmosphere and it was soon accompanied by screams. Drink in hand, Pain rushed into the party room and halted in surprise when he saw that a cheering crowd had gathered before the stage. Rapping in an incoherent form of enka was Killer Bee.

Pain spat out his drink in shock.

Martini cast aside, he anxiously glanced around. It seemed that none of the other villains had noticed that a major enemy was rapping before them. Tobi was happily going along with him at the DJ table, and none of the other Akatsuki members could be seen in the dim and crowded room. Pain marched out of the party room and grabbed the first Akatsuki-garbed person he saw.  
"How the hell did Killer Bee get in here?" he shrieked into Zetsu's face, his temper rising with every word. The plant-man was lost for words, and became even more confused when he saw the anger disappear as realisation dawned on Pain's face.  
"He is a jinchuuriki…" he murmured with wide eyes. "Quick! Gather everyone immediately, but don't cause a commotion!" He left Zetsu in an exasperated state before rushing off to detach Tobi from the stage. He was able to drag Tobi over to where the Akatsuki members had gathered in the corner of the room.  
"Where are Hidan and Kakuzu?" he demanded loudly.  
"Kakuzu couldn't leave his post as the barman," Zetsu explained. "And I can't find Hidan."  
"Never mind those two," Pain grumbled. "As you may have noticed, Killer Bee – a jinchuuriki – has somehow infiltrated our party. This is a perfect opportunity to drain the Eight-Tails. But we must do so without alerting the other guests," he shouted over the music. "Now, quickly assemble at your positions on the statue!"

However, Pain was disgruntled to see that only he, Itachi and Zetsu had gathered.  
"Where is everyone else?" he snapped to no one in particular. His temper soared when he glanced down and saw that Tobi had returned to the stage. None of the guests noticed the appearance of the group on the statue and had continued to dance wildly to the incomprehensible music. From his lofty position, Pain was able to survey the whole room with his rinnegan in search of the insubordinate Akatsuki members. But, when he glanced in the direction of the room's entrance he nearly toppled off the statue.

Orochimaru and Kabuto had arrived at a time that the former considered fashionably late. Robed in their best clothes, Orochimaru cackled malevolently as he strode into the teeming hideout. The music was obnoxiously loud and the multitude of guests merged into one swarming body. Even Kabuto felt at ease despite their lateness; it would be nearly impossible to distinguish an individual from the vast wave of limitless guests. Orochimaru weaved between individuals and groups, searching with hungry eyes for any sign of an Uchiha.  
"Watch yourself, Kabuto," he said over his shoulder to Kabuto, who was struggling to keep up with his master. "This may look like some sort of celebration, but there is a more sinister purpose-"  
"You have a lot of nerve showing your face here, Orochimaru!"  
The man halted in surprise when Pain suddenly appeared from the crowd to block his path. He regarded his casual attire with a raised eyebrow before grinning smugly.  
"And you have a lot of nerve for not inviting me!" he retorted with some supressed bitterness. "Unless this really isn't a party and is in fact a dark ritual!"

Through the din of the music, Pain had only been able to hear the last part of the sentence, but before he was able to reply, Orochimaru's hands swept together in a blur of hand seals. There was a puff of smoke and Pain suddenly found himself wrestling with a gigantic python. Orochimaru and Kabuto scuttled off into the crowd, cackling all the while.  
"That should keep him busy for some time until we can find Itachi and Sasuke," Orochimaru said. His eyes widened when he saw a long, cheese-and-crackers-laden snack table, but his eyes were focused on the glowing punch bowl in the centre.  
"We should make a toast to our upcoming victory, Kabuto!" he announced as he made a beeline for the table.

The python had thrown Pain on his back and he was struggling to breath while keeping its jaws clamped and far from his neck. Perhaps it had been due to his martinis or being unable to use his hands, but he found that he was unable to use his rinnegan to repel the python. Now fed up with trying to bite Pain's neck, the snake had coiled its tail around his throat and was watching gleefully as his face turned blue. His arms flayed around wildly as he tried to keep control of the snake's head, and none of the guests noticed him on the floor.  
"What on earth are you doing?" an unimpressed voice sounded through the din. Pain glanced up and saw Konan standing over him with a frown. Within seconds she had assembled a paper-jutsu to repel the snake, which slithered away petulantly.  
"God, Konan," Pain gasped as she pulled him up. "Orochimaru – Orochimaru is here!" he cried feverishly.  
"Did he set the snake on you? How could he have known about the party?"  
"He has been spying on us! Quickly, we have to find him before he ruins it!"

Konan's contempt had returned, but her sarcastic retort was interrupted by the crowd's screams and jeers. She glanced in the direction of the stage and saw that Killer Bee had been replaced by a small table, at which sat Hidan and the Fifth Hokage. Both were visibly drunk, but the table was laden with sake bottles and the two were now engaged in a well-supported drinking competition.  
"Pain, that's the Fifth Hogake!" Konan exclaimed. At this surprise Pain swore and cursed Itachi and Kisame before marching off in the direction of the front door with Konan behind him.  
"What are you idiots doing?" he shrieked, aggressively pushing drunken guests out of his way. But he stopped dead, as there were no idiots, and the door stood wide open. In a sudden fit of rage, his rinnegan had returned and he had blasted the door off its hinges and into oblivion.

During his march back into the party room he had spotted a multitude of uninvited guests, most of whom were considered enemies and his temper mingled with sudden panic. Only now did he notice how the behaviour of the guests had gone from raucously excited to intensely senseless. Some were passed out while others screamed as they tore through the hideout, clutching at their eyes as if experiencing horrific hallucinations. A disturbing thought crept into his mind.

"Did you have any of Hidan's punch?" he shouted to Konan. They had entered the party room and found that it was almost dangerous to stand too close to most of the guests.  
"God, no."  
His suspicions about the punch were confirmed when an uninvited guest, foaming at the mouth, threw himself at the pair while screaming in gibberish. Pain easily threw him off and ventured further towards the snack table. To his horror, the punch bowl had been completely drained.

Orochimaru staggered towards the pair of Uchiha brothers. His plastic cup fell from his hand as he sluggishly raised a hand in their direction.  
"Sharingan!" he shouted desperately. The two immediately sprang into action and before Orochimaru could react he was engulfed in flames from their combined jutsus. The force threw him backwards and into Kabuto, who in turn had collided with a group of party-goers. The other guests hardly noticed, as they were either hallucinating or were focused on the brutal drinking competition still taking place.

The flames in the dim room alerted Pain and the few Akatsuki members that he had been able to gather.  
"There he is!" he cried. They sprinted forward, knocking intoxicated guests aside as they went, and soon found themselves engaged in fierce battle with Orochimaru. Although he had consumed heavy amounts of punch, he still proved as insanely powerful. Sasuke's appearance had not surprised Pain – he was beyond being surprised by anything at this point – and was glad to see that he fought on their side. Strobe light puppets held Kabuto in place, but jutsus were flying in every direction and Zetsu and Deidara had been knocked unconscious.

Spotting Hidan, Pain directed a shinra-tensei at him out of pure irritation and the drunken idiot was sent flying off the stage. Tsunade stood up triumphantly to an approving chorus from the gathered audience.

Orochimaru was sending dozens of white snakes flying from the sleeves of his robes and Itachi and Sasuke redirected them towards the crowd. Pain and a few other members were swept away from the battle by a sudden stampede of panicked guests.

"ENOUGH!" a booming voice roared over the commotion.

The battle, the stampede and even the obliviously dancing guests stopped and focused on the stage. The music had stopped and Tobi stood atop the table, but his orange mask had been replaced with a white one.

"Tobi?" Pain's confused voice echoed throughout the silent hideout.  
"I am not Tobi," he said in the same deep voice. "I am Uchiha Madara, and this is a perfect opportunity for me to enslave you all!"

The silence continued for a brief moment, before someone within the crowd screamed and the stampede had resumed. Now the jutsus of the Akatsuki and Sasuke were directed towards Tobi, but Pain's anger was still directed at Orochimaru.  
It was Orochimaru who he blamed for the ruin of his brilliant party and he was now intent on killing him once and for all.

Feeling less tipsy, he was able to direct his rinnegan at the stampede that had swept him into the entrance hall. Now with a clear pathway, Pain hurried back into the party room where he saw Orochimaru trying to sneak up on Sasuke while he was occupied.

"You fork-tongued bastard!" Pain screeched as he aimed a jutsu at Orochimaru. And into this jutsu he poured his anger, frustration and will to save what remained of his disrupted party. These combined factors knocked Orochimaru off his feet and into the puppets that still held Kabuto captive. The collision caused the puppets to lash out wildly, and Kabuto was somehow thrown upwards into the ceiling. A chain of explosions was set off as the clay stars were triggered by Kabuto and the hideout had started to quake. The misdirected jutsus added to the detonations and concrete suddenly rained down upon them. The battle had ceased and the remaining guests were trying to evacuate.

"Amaterasu!" Three voices chorused.

Black flames engulfed the ceiling and the stage.

"Put it out, you idiots! All of my stuff is in here!" Pain cried furiously. But he couldn't go on a vengeful rampage, for Konan grabbed him by the collar and dragged him into the entrance hall. He narrowly missed being hit by a falling piece of flaming ceiling, and found himself being thrown out the front door to join the guests and Akatsuki members that had escaped. Itachi and Sasuke quickly joined the crowd that watched the burning hideout.

"Damn all you Uchihas!" Pain wailed. "You start ninja wars and attract snake-obsessed maniacs into my organisation and now you burn down my hideout with your goddamned Sharingan!"

Once he had calmed down, having to avoid looking at the black flames that engulfed his lair, he turned to Itachi.  
"Did you at least kill Tobi or Madara or whoever the hell he is?" he sighed.  
"I don't know, but I think that if he had escaped then he would be here trying to enslave us," he replied calmly. "And as for Orochimaru, well, he certainly looked dead, but you never know with him."

Pain nodded solemnly and reluctantly turned towards the guests. Tobi and Orochimaru aside, now was the moment of truth.

"Was the party satisfactory?" he finally asked.

Most were weary and sported injuries, some were still suffering from the punch and there was also the group that had not been invited. But their collective roars of approval were enough to bring proud tears to his rippled eyes.  
"It was amazing!"  
"I nearly died!"

The supportive comments made him smile and nod approvingly.  
"In spite of your grievous injuries and hallucination-addled brains, I look forward to seeing you all once again for an epic party once I find a new hideout!" he announced, much to the displeasure of Konan and the approval of the gathered crowd.

THE END

* * *

Author's Note: I also have a sequel can you believe. Hopefully I'll get around to finishing it.


End file.
